My grandma is visiting again. Recently I read a quote that says "the more you love someone, the less you like them" so I must reallllllly love my grandma. She can't do anything for herself - and I know when I say that you probably think of a tiny, wrinkled, dehydrated Golden Girl who needs help getting from her bed to her bed pan - but what I actually mean is that she's clueless. If it plugs in, runs on batteries, or has an on/off switch, it's basically devil voodoo magic technology that arrived via alien spacecraft and she has no interest in learning how any of it works. Except DRV, the beesh loves herself some DVR...
I walked past a group of boys today. I know this might sound super pedo, but I was trying really hard to figure out how old they were. I have this hidden talent where you can show me a picture of any boy or girl and I will extremely inaccurately tell you their age. These kids could've been anywhere between 6 and 16 I have no idea, let's just say they were "like 12"...
What's up y'all? In case you missed it, we ran a little giveaway on our Instagram story. As you can see, this young lady looks completely entranced with her book and we just had to know what she was reading! So we asked you lunatics for some submissions...
(btw if you're not following us @theimpropertea on Instagram then what are you even doing with your life?)
Dear internet, it's your boy Silky. Sorry I haven’t written you in a while but I’ve been busy, I’ve been researching cinnamon toast crusted shrimp, got deep lost in the comments of some twitter beefs between complete strangers, and I watched this video about competitive tickling and honestly I just haven’t been the same since...
I hate showering. It’s literally the worst. If you’re one of those people who say “omg there’s NOTHING better than a hot shower” a) you’re the worst b) you’re a liar and c) have you ever seen a random person trip and fall and act like they didn’t trip and fall because that shit is the actual best…
I told you my wife is lazy. Every single night, this beesh waits for me to get up from the couch so she can ask me to do something. “Oh can you grab me a drink?”. “Oh hey while you’re up can you fill up my water bottle?”. Like if you ever find me dead on the couch I’ll bet my organs that she’s dead on the other one, cause of death: dehydration...
My favorite pizzeria closed. I know, I’m super bummed too. I don’t even really understand how it happened either. Like clearly I’m no wolf of wall street - my only involvement in “business” so far is a boob joke - but I feel like I have a basic understanding of how a business works. At the end of the day it's like anything else, you give away more than you take in and you lose...
I was trying to find something to watch the other day and as I passed over the news channels I heard a reporter say "and now the focus shifts to Kentucky" and I thought to myself holy shit... I forgot Kentucky existed...
Happy 2021 y’all. I don’t know about you but I'm gonna treat 2020 like the time I was in a crowded elevator and farted loudly while wearing headphones and just never talk about that shit again...
Fun fact, my birthday is on Christmas. Before you even start, no I was not the best gift my parents every got, no it does not make me somehow related to Jesus, and Merry Birthday is not fucking cute so keep that noise to yourself...
I was never any good at talking to girls. One time I asked my dad for advice and he said “I’ll tell you what I’d do, two chicks at once” with a wink and a finger gun. Thanks dad, yea that's the goal - like I know what a house looks like I’m asking you how to build it...
My grandma is the fucking worst. I call her Gram, but her name is Rita, and without giving you any additional information you know exactly what she looks like. Fucking Gram. Whatever you're imagining right now, yup that's her. When I was in college she sent me a Valentines Day card, addressed to "Daddy", from my dead dog, with $4 in it - and I swear to god every single word in that sentence is true...
My wife is intergalacticly lazy. I know what you're thinking... "Oh, thats sexist - you probably think she should just get in the kitchen". No, I think she should just get out of bed...
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