What are the health benefits of drinking tea?

Fun fact, my birthday is on Christmas.  Before you even start, no I was not the best gift my parents ever got, no it does not make me somehow related to Jesus, and Merry Birthday is not fucking cute so keep that noise to yourself.  Being born on Christmas sucks.  Imagine growing up and year after year having a birthday party when all of your friends are busy and your family shows up with gifts to celebrate something else.

I’m starting to enjoy Christmas though, I’m trying to get into the holiday spirit.  I sent my wife an article the other day, “Top 10 Christmas Movies on Netflix”.  My wife, the 3-time world champion speed reader, starts writing back immediately.  “What’s #1?” she asks, stabbing me in my eyes with stupidity and disappointment.  One flick of the thumb could send her scrolling to the answer, but instead she asks me to do it for her - and that’s my wife, there she goes again, handing out business cards that say “I need help”.

I text back “Can you just read the article?”.  She texts back “Can you just tell me”.  I text back “No, that's why I sent you the article”.

Now, I got this right?  That’s how articles work, you read them and then you know things.  It’s not like I asked her to translate it.  “Can you just tell me”, it bothers me so much. That would be like me handing her a pizza and her immediately saying “Is it pepperoni?”.  Oh, all of a sudden you don’t know how boxes work because it says “pizza” instead of “Amazon”?

So obviously she’s mad at me.  I’m going back over the texts… “No, that's why I sent you the article” yup, everything is good.

No, everything is not good.  Here’s why:

What I WROTE was “No, that's why I sent you the article”.

What she READ was “No, that's why I sent you the article you dumb lazy piece of shit”.

What an unexpected twist, turns out she’s a mind reader not a speed reader.

Merry Fucking Birthday...

-Silky Johnson

Staff Writer