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I was never any good at talking to girls.  One time I asked my dad for advice and he said “I’ll tell you what I’d do, two chicks at once” with a wink and a finger gun.  Thanks dad, yea that's the goal - like I know what a house looks like I’m asking you how to build it.  I would google articles about how to start up conversations with women, every article gave the same shitty advice - just be yourself.  Be myself?  Myself hasn't showered in 3 days and the only time I took off my sweatpants was to poop, but yea the perfect girl should show up any minute now.

I used to go out to bars with my buddies and we would all take turns approaching girls with pickup lines and straight up lies until one actually worked.  My one friend would usually tell girls he was a minor league baseball player.  He was tall and good looking and just completely shredded, like the kind of person you look at and you’re like wow I bet he poops out Clif Bars.  That worked for him, it was believable.  I could never pull that off, I’d approach a group of girls and be like “Hey, I’m J.D. Power… these are my associates”.

So I usually ended up being the creepy guy that just stared.  Things have changed a bit since then but it still happens to me, like at the gym sometimes.  I’m just there jogging on the treadmill and there’s all these nice asses walking around.  Like damn, I’m a married man but everyone has their limit.  One day I couldn’t take it anymore, I gathered up the courage to walk over - I was so nervous, I took a deep breath and finally just said “How do you do it bro, squats?”

-Silky Johnson

Staff Writer