Does tea make your fingernails grow faster?

Dear internet, it's your boy Silky.  Sorry I haven’t written you in a while but I’ve been busy, I’ve been researching cinnamon toast crusted shrimp, got deep lost in the comments of some twitter beefs between complete strangers, and I watched this video about competitive tickling and honestly I just haven’t been the same since...

And then my grandma called me today.  If you’re new here, my grandma is the worst.  I understand this may be a difficult concept to grasp, like if someone asked you family-feud style to name words associated with grandmas, nice would be the number one answer.  So I’m fully aware that I sound like the jerk here, and here’s the thing, it’s all part of her evil grandma-ster plan.  The thing with my grandma is that there isn’t one egregious thing I can point at and say see this, this is why you’re the worst.  It’s a million little things.  Little pokes and prods of comments and pricks of annoyances that just wear you down over time.  Like this one for example...

A few things you need to know:

1. Literally any time she calls me she says “Hi it’s Gram”, I’ve told her literally hundreds of times that she doesn’t need to announce herself, that hasn’t been a problem for about 20 years.
2. I have no idea what the fuck she’s talking about
3. She has no idea what she’s talking about

And this happens like 10x a week. Any thought that pops into her head requires a call and a message. This is how I’m gonna go people, death by a thousand voicemails...

-Silky Johnson

Staff Writer