Does green tea make your boobs bigger?

My grandma is visiting again. Recently I read a quote that says "the more you love someone, the less you like them" so I must reallllllly love my grandma. She can't do anything for herself - and I know when I say that you probably think of a tiny, wrinkled, dehydrated Golden Girl who needs help getting from her bed to her bed pan - but what I actually mean is that she's clueless. If it plugs in, runs on batteries, or has an on/off switch, it's basically devil voodoo magic technology that arrived via alien spacecraft and she has no interest in learning how any of it works. Except DVR, the beesh loves herself some DVR.

Anyway, so she's been doing this new fun thing where whenever she needs something (which is constantly) instead of saying "could you" or "can you" and asking like a normal person, she says "I'll let you".

I'll let you make a cup of tea for me...

I'll let you put on the news for me...

I'll let you dial this number for me...

Like it's some sort of privilege that I earned from decades of good grandson-ing. It's infuriating. And no matter how many times I try to show her how to use the electric kettle, or the remote, or her new flip phone (lol), she can NEVER figure it out and it's NEVER her fault. That's right, it's not Gram's fault all of the clocks in her house still blink 12 - blame the great wind gust of '94.

Nothing she does surprises me anymore. Well, that's what I thought anyway, until today (just her second day here) when we crossed paths in the kitchen after dinner and she said to me...

"I washed my underwear in the sink and hung them in the bathroom, do you mind?"

Do I mind??? Are you kidding me? First of all, "do you mind" is something you say BEFORE you do something - and for the record, I absolutely fucking mind. I mind a lot actually, but more importantly, I don't understand. She just got here yesterday, did she not pack enough? Did she bring dirty ones with her? Did she have an accident? Also, we have a washing machine, you savage. But I suppose this is better than “I’ll let you wash my underwear for me”.

And in case you think I'm making this up, Merry Christmas you filthy animals...